Lots to say but nothing to write.

I feel like I've turned into such a downer. I have so many thoughts for posts floating thru my head, but I never post anything.

My sweet dog of 11.5 years had to be put to sleep. My marriage is on the rock AGAIN. My girls are the sweetest and light up my life so much.

Vacation!!!

This time tomorrow I hope to be sitting on the beach (or at least unpacking the car!!).

I can't wait. I can't wait to see my sweet girls in the sand with their sweet hats I made (one of which will be finished on the drive).

I hope my marriage can feel the stress release as we drive closer and closer to the water. On the marriage note, my husband announced last week that he has planned a surprise outing for the two of us on the 21st. It's been WAY TOO LONG since he's planned anything that involved both of us. Hopefully, we are on the road to recovery.

Feeling better and thanks!

Thanks for all the comments and suggestions. Things are feeling better today. I hope we can keep this train on the tracks. I guess only time will tell.

I want the marriage to work for us and for the girls.

I wouldn't want to be married to anyone else. I want to return to more simple times.

A beach vacation is in the near future. Our annual trip with my parents and the kids. I hope it will give us both a minute to breathe and remember who we are. After the beach, we will hit Disney at the end of August. Just us and the girls! The first family of four trip since baby C arrived in November. I hope a change of scenery will do us good!!!

My marriage....

Marriage. When do you know that it is over? Does someone send you a letter? Do you stop talking? How does it feel? How do you know??? Or, do you just know?

I never imagined in a million years that we would end up in this spot. How does it happen? How did it happen to us?

Can every damaged relationship be repaired? Or do you eventually hit the "too far gone" button and just bail?

It's exhausting. I'm exhausted.

I survived...

I made it through the anniversary week. I'm glad it's over. Really, I am happy that is it done for another year. I guess all my grumpiness and anxiety just revolves around all the emotions that pop up.

My sweet Abi is hanging in there. No better, but no worse. I suspect we will hear from the vet on Monday or Tuesday about the blood work. I'm really not anxious for the call. It's almost better just not knowing. At least I have the opportunity to pretend that nothing is wrong since I don't have any hard facts to back it up. It makes me sad to think of our life without her (dog hair and loud barks included). I'm trying not to dwell on it and worry about it constantly. However, worry is what I do best.

Have I mentioned how much I love those two little girls? They are both growing so fast that it hurts. C is closing in on 8 months and B will be 5 late August. Where does the time go? When I think about how fast they are growing it makes me want another baby. It makes my body ache to think that I may never again fell a baby inside my tummy or roll out of a hospital with one in my arms. J is not on board. He is 100% finished.

Before the m/c's I always imagined two babies and we'd be done...finished...complete with a family of four. But now, but now I want one more. Am I trying to find one of the babies I lost? Would I be "finished" with one more? I have always had a problem with finality. I don't like the "end" of most things. I like for the fun to go on and on and on.

My head is trying to absorb the fact that we are probably done....my heart is just so not buying it!!!

Man...just man!

Two years ago yesterday I was pregnant for the second time. I was excited to give my daughter a sibling. I was excited to have another newborn. I was excited to see my husband's face wet with tears when our second child made his or her grand entrance into the world. I was excited for our future.

Two years ago today I started to spot. It was light but it was there. I was in shock. I had dreamed the whole thing a few weeks prior. It was surreal. It was sad. The next morning I went to the doctor by myself. It was my husband's 33rd birthday. The doctor said she couldn't find a heartbeat. She wanted to do some blood work and wait for the results. That night we went to dinner for my husband's birthday at his favorite Japanese place. I've never been back there. Later in the night I started to cramp and bleed. The next morning I called the doctor again. The d&c was later that day. This particular week of June causes me some anxiety.

Last year during this same week in June I went to the peri to find out what we were having. The peri found cysts on C's brain. It was crazy. I was scared. I was sad. I was scared some more.

Two days ago my dog had a slight nosebleed. Yesterday it started to bleed again. This morning my husband took her to the vet. She has cancer. You may say she's only a dog. I agree, she's a dog, but she's my dog. My graduation present from my husband for completing my graduate degree. She is the thing that made us into a family before we were even married. She slept with me every single night of my first pregnancy. It was her rhythmic breathing that slightly shook my bed that would make me feel less sick and relaxed. Her huge, hairy body snuggled up right against me. It meant lots of work with washing the sheets, but it was worth it. My sweet Abi is sick, and I am sad, very sad.

The new rule in my house is this...no doctor visits for ANYONE during "the week" in June.

Almost there..

I'm almost there. To the two year mark that is. I'm grumpy. My marriage has really suffered over the last two years. The economy is bad. We are broke. But, I have two perfectly healthy and happy little girls that fill my every thought with hope and love. What more could I ask for? What more could I need?

I recently began sharing my story with people. I mean, a few people knew my whole story. Very few. Even most of my extended family have no idea of the road that has been travelled over the past 24 months. I feel guilty that I can now share my story. I wonder why I feel compelled to share now when that was not a possibility when I was in the trenches and could have really used the support. I like to think that I couldn't share during the process because I was too emotionally involved or maybe I was embarrassed or maybe I didn't want to hear the stupid comments that people always seem to make to someone with IF issues.

I'm not "over it". I don't know that I will ever be over the fact that I lost three babies in six months. I could really have five children right now. Five babies. I know in all reality that we would have never had five. I know that if I hadn't lost the other babies that I wouldn't have my sweet baby C. Right now my heart is full as I listen to her squeals and giggles.

I am blessed. I am in love with my babies. However, a part of me still wonders why...why do babies not make it out of the womb. Whether at 5 weeks or 5 months or 5 minutes before birth. Why do some come here so perfectly and then are whisked away back to heaven in a flash? Why are some born so sick and suffer so much before they return to their eternal home? So many questions, not only for me but for my friends I've met along the way.